Sign in with Facebook
Absurd Quotes
Quotes tagged as "absurd"
Showing 271-300 of 746
“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am. â€�”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sometimes the best pizza is sushi. That’s where I go to get my haircut. Discounts available for fish with fur.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute. Then I went to the ATM and took out some cash just to be certain.”
― I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
― I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Some questions are shaped like slow elevators, and they deserve words that fill spaces like notes from a brass saxophone. Sometimes the silence of body language is music for my eyes.”
― I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
― I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Teleportation is weird. Especially if you’re wearing your neighbor’s skin suit and using his body to get around the old fashioned way—by walking. Why don’t you pick me up in a 1990 black Jeep Cherokee?”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I just invented a way to put the smooth sounds of a saxophone directly into a trumpet—with little or minimal rusting. When you listen to my music, just close your eyes, because your mind is about to take a romantic trip—inside of a mental elevator.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, blame someone else for my mistakes? Somebody needs to be held accountable, and it certainly won’t be the version of me in that moment.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“They don't play the trombone like the tuba anymore. I blame it on canned tunafish.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I'm so good at math that you can ask me any question, any equation, and I'll convert it into trumpet sounds with my mouth. If it's tough enough, I may answer with Dizzy Gillespie noises.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“He said he had a stroke reading my absurd writing, so I said, “Thank you for your service.â€� Then I continued washing my dishes in my lawnmower.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Tourists are as fleeting as holographic butterflies. The only thing permanent in this world is my Leftover Meatloaf. Branson needs to quickly learn this before I'm completely SOLD OUT.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sometimes I fish, and sometimes my vending machine is broken so I can’t. Thanks for all your Butterfly Smiles. I have them FOR SALE as Powdered Rose Substitute, for people who don't like the taste of their morning protein shakes.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Your orange fanny pack reminds me of my Leftover Meatloaf Holder. I wear it when I work out or make love. My incredible level of romance can be rented by you for the unbelievably low price of $14.95 per hour.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“All the boys in the middle school locker room used to tease me and tell me I danced like Tina Turner. But that didn't stop them from throwing baloney sandwiches at me and whistling.”
― I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
― I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Piano ducks swimming make noises like drowning saxophones. I taught them how to Mozart like powdered Michael Phelps on the bottom of a crushed box of cereal.”
― I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
― I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Strangers always ask me if I'm from Michigan. I say, "Why, do I have a Detroit-shaped face, circa 1960?" They all say yes, but I know they are lying, because I look more like Mackinac Island at the turn of the twentieth century.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I sell REAL donut holes. Unlike those fake donut holes, that are composed entirely of donut, my donut holes are made of 100% pure emptiness. There's nothing there, and THAT is how you know you've bought an authentic donut hole.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“We shared some laughs, her and I. I was content to go on sharing, but she took her whole Box of Laughter and went home, leaving me alone with my memes.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Pool tables should have contours, like golf courses. For a novice billiards player, I have a pretty good swing.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“What's the difference between running shoes and dancing shoes? Nothing, if you find a song that's 26.2 miles long.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“When I told people I’d reinvent the orgasm, people moaned in disbelief. Well, nobody’s moaning now.”
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
― There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
All Quotes
|
My Quotes
|
Add A Quote
Browse By Tag
- Love Quotes 99.5k
- Life Quotes 78k
- Inspirational Quotes 74.5k
- Humor Quotes 44.5k
- Philosophy Quotes 30.5k
- Inspirational Quotes Quotes 27.5k
- God Quotes 26.5k
- Truth Quotes 24k
- Wisdom Quotes 24k
- Romance Quotes 23.5k
- Poetry Quotes 22.5k
- Life Lessons Quotes 20.5k
- Death Quotes 20.5k
- Happiness Quotes 19k
- Quotes Quotes 18.5k
- Hope Quotes 18k
- Faith Quotes 18k
- Inspiration Quotes 17k
- Spirituality Quotes 15.5k
- Religion Quotes 15k
- Motivational Quotes 15k
- Writing Quotes 15k
- Relationships Quotes 15k
- Life Quotes Quotes 14.5k
- Love Quotes Quotes 14.5k
- Success Quotes 13.5k
- Time Quotes 12.5k
- Motivation Quotes 12.5k
- Science Quotes 12k
- Motivational Quotes Quotes 11.5k
